Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
