didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
