I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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