I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
