I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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