Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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