The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
