i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
