i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
