Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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