if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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