I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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