i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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