I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
