i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
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