I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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