I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i need some magic done to my vagina
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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