youre lurking in front of me
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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