I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
