As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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