Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
this hospital has no fireball
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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