I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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