When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
