I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
