we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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