he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize