I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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