i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
