He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
