i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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