We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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