I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
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