Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
