i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
