my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
