i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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