the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
