for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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