I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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