omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
