It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
