Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
