Where is the hickey?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
