I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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