OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
