If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need moral support for this bender
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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