Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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