god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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