I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize