we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
