I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
