I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
