You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
