I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
