Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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